Lettuce be heard!

What follows is satire…

Dear Sir,

I am writing on behalf of all lettuces to complain that the British press seems determined to compare we lettuces with members of the Conservative Party.

I should point out that a majority of Conservative MPs, including the Conservative MP for Harrow East, and over 81,000 members, voted for Liz Truss to be prime minister

Many lettuces are interested in politics and hoped to stand as Tories to improve the quality of their candidates. Originally it was thought that the fact that we have no brains would be a bar to our standing. But it seems it is not necessary to have a brain to stand for the Conservatives.

Sadly, when I applied to become a Tory candidate, I was told I was ineligible as I am already classed as a green.

Yours sincerely

Lactuca sativa